


Personal Notes (37) A Walk In The Forest

by longhairshortfuse



Series: Carlos's Secret Diary [37]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sexual Content, Spoilers for WALK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 08:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1891998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos is feeling the strain of recent events and needs some time out, but that gives him an opportunity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swings and roundabouts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil and Carlos realise that something is wrong. Ell can help, but will she understand?

Yesterday was a busy day for Science. Ell's mass hallucination monitor started ringing almost as soon as I arrived at the lab after walking in.

Cecil walked the long way round so that he could accompany me to the lab door, which calmed my heart rate and reduced my levels of adrenalin. I was experiencing a physical response to an emotional state that I found very uncomfortable. We had just had a heated discussion about whether I had stopped wanting to initiate... It doesn't even matter. I was vehement in my defence of my position and Cecil's face showed his confusion, concern and perhaps a little fear. I shouted at him over something trivial, unconnected, and made him experience a surge of chemical and electrical signals that caused him to feel hurt and defensive before he bolted and shut himself in his study.

I felt very unhappy, ashamed of myself for speaking so unkindly to the person I love most in the universe. I knocked on the study door and went in. Cecil perched on the sofa with his head in his hands and would not look at me. I was unaware of what happened next but I found myself on my knees in front of him with my arms around him and my head buried in his shoulder, overwhelmed with sadness and remorse. I said I was sorry, I tried to explain what I was feeling but he told me abruptly to shut up. I stopped talking, sat back and let go. I thought about the first time I saw him, about the first time I dreamed about him, the first kiss at the end of our first date, all the first times. I did not want there to be a last time. I could not stop myself from shaking and I began to cry. How could I ever have thought that I deserved and could keep someone like Cecil?

He responded at last by putting his arms around me and he told me: this is not normal for you, you have been gradually changing and I want my Carlos back. He asked what was really wrong and I could not answer. I was confused because I did not know and I am so used to knowing things, or knowing how to find the answer to things I do not know by doing experiments and analysing data, forming and modifying hypotheses. He said I was having mood swings. I wondered what the cause might be. At least this was something I could probably solve with science, although biology and psychology are Ell's domain.

I moved to sit beside Cecil and held his hands in mine. He looked across at me and I saw that his beautiful violet eyes were red. I started to apologise again but he put a finger on my lips and shook his head. I asked if he thought I should talk to Ell about my symptoms, purely on a personal basis, and he agreed reluctantly. I asked Cecil what changes he had noticed in my behaviour. He gave me a list - snappy, withdrawn, finding excuses to avoid people, avoid going out. I added that I find it difficult to concentrate, I lie awake worrying about trivial things in the early hours of the morning, things that I can see don't matter in the daylight.

So Cecil walked me to work. But I couldn't talk to Ell right away because of the mass hallucination alert.

"Cheer up, it probably hasn't happened yet," she chirped at me, "although you never know in this town." This did not help at all. I told Ell I wanted to talk to her in private, later. She looked surprised, no, concerned, and said to go sit in my office for now. I did, and I clicked the link to Cecil's webcam but he was not in his studio yet. The mass hallucination monitor alarm quietened by several tens of decibels and I heard Ell instruct Gio and Estrella to take danger meters, portable mass spectrometers and drug testing kits out to try to detect any signs of hallucinogens in the environment. Ell came to my office, sat in the spare chair and simply said, "Talk."

I explained the way I had been behaving badly towards Cecil recently and that I was feeling disconnected from the science team, struggling to act as if I was normal. I expected her to tell me to pull myself together, get a life, any of her usual insults would have been acceptable to me, to confirm that there was nothing wrong with me. Instead, she asked a few questions about how my work patterns and emotional state had changed, any personal worries however minor, how was my relationship with Cecil going, then rested a hand on my shoulder and said she thought I was ill. She apologised for having been gone for so long, leaving all the lab management to me. A little sympathy, especially from Ell, caused an overwhelming emotional response and I found myself sobbing into my hands. She took me home then went to join the hallucination investigation.

At home, I paced the house alternating between fury and fear and despair, each mood lasting for only a few minutes at a time. I heard the front door bang and Cecil arrived, looking flustered. He gathered me into an embrace.

"Ell called me, she said she thinks you are probably ill with mild depression. You have been taking on so much and coping with so many strange things. I'm so sorry I didn't notice." Cecil's touch calmed me down. I said that I was relieved to find I was merely ill, there was a brain-chemical reason for my behaviour. He sat me down and we talked about the symptoms I might expect from an insufficiency of neurotransmitters in my synapses. Ell came round and suggested medication, but I said I would prefer to try without and leave medication as a last resort. Cecil offered to research local remedies. After all, he added, Night Vale residents grow up with strange sources of stress.

Ell went back to work after ordering me to take the rest of the week off, maybe next week too then decide if I was ready to return to the lab. I made Cecil go back to work. He had a broadcast to do and I said I wanted to listen to it later, I found his voice relaxing and if he wasn't there to report the news then _someone else_ might do the reporting for him with her own bias added. He said that he would get home as soon as possible, that he wanted to look after me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some personal experience with depression and supporting someone with anxiety disorder. It just kind of made sense to put it somewhere.


	2. Silver Lining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos underestimates Cecil and finds something positive about his health news. A hobby is a good thing, right?

I considered my situation. I felt fragile and fluttery, the leftovers of the adrenaline surges of the mood swings. I could not concentrate when I tried to read, to think. I put on music but had to turn it off again because I could not process the sounds. I felt hemmed in and decided that I would feel better outdoors. I changed into shorts and a teeshirt and went for a run. Endorphins are well known for lifting mood and I knew of anecdotal evidence (which is not really evidence at all) that exercise can alleviate the symptoms of some forms of depression and anxiety. I would have liked the shade of the forest but I did not dare to go there without Cecil.

I headed into town intending to do a loop of Mission Grove Park then some short sprint intervals on the way home. People were behaving very strangely in town. At crossings, when the "walk" sign lit up, people walked but then did not stop walking. They kept going, not stopping for traffic, each other, buildings and other obstacles did not prevent their feet from performing a relentless march. Not everyone was affected, I seemed to be immune as were any citizens who happened not to see the signs either through inattention or inability to see at all. The science team was not immune. I saw Gio and Estrella, marching in step with their danger meters reading at least _65 About the same as walking through a pack of wolves wearing meat scented underwear._

I shouted to everyone I could not to look at the signs but avoiding them became significantly more difficult. Signs were appearing right in front of people, dramatically increasing the probability of accidentally reading them. I wondered if there was a hypnotic effect. I was out without my lab coat and had no equipment on me other than my phone, heart rate monitor, speed and distance gps watch and metronome. I used the metronome to time the intervals between _walk_ and the image of a deformed, prone, exsanguinating figure that is the local _don't walk_ signal. The intervals were reducing so that the walk signs were lit for slightly longer each time. I estimated, based on the frequency with which the lights cycled between their two settings and the slightly below 2% increase in walk at the expense of don't walk, that I had about an hour before the don't walk signal was lit for such a short time that the human eye refresh rate of about sixteen frames per second would not be able to see it, and we would almost all be forced to walk.

I had to stop the signs.

There was no time to go back home so I ran to the lab to look at the blueprints of the local grid I had used the last time there were unexpected power drains. I identified where the electrical supply to the town centre traffic lights was to be found, and researched online where the control signals were uploaded. Aleck was in the lab. I told him to write a computer virus that would turn all of the signals off, upload it to my phone and put together a backpack with every kind of adapter cable we might need along with tools and tape. I entered the coordinates of the transformers for the lights into my GPS watch, blindfolded Aleck and ran, each holding opposite ends of a two metre extension cable to guide him.

Our route took us past the radio station. I watched in astonishment as Cecil appeared, marching out, his legs showing a confidence that his face did not. I caught his arm and pulled him with us. If Cecil was under this hypnosis I wanted to know he was safe with me. I slowed down to a fast walk that matched Cecil's stride until we reached the transformers. I asked Cecil if it was okay before I got Aleck to stop him from walking away while I used the extension cable to secure one leg to the fence around the transformer. I told Cecil my plan: try to upload a computer virus that would stop the signals, if that failed short out the transformers and shut down all the traffic lights.

I should have known. I know Cecil is good with communications, far more intelligent than he pretends, and I should have asked him. In hindsight, which is almost always at full resolution and rose-shifted, the solution was obvious

"Email the virus to me," he said, "if that's all it takes I can do it from here although the radio transmitter direct uplink would be more powerful." He got his phone out, which was difficult as his pockets were tight and his legs were still trying to make him walk despite his tether. He received my email, pressed a few buttons, and we waited. We heard a few clicks from a control box by the side of the transformer and Cecil sat down.

"My legs are not used to walking at that pace," he said. "I need to get back to my broadcast."

I took the blindfold from Aleck and sent him back to the lab with the equipment, via City Hall to ask if the Council was aware of the proliferation of signs. Even in this town surely there would be a bye-law against random signage. I walked with Cecil back to the station but he stopped me at the corner and said I should not go any nearer, Lauren was too interested in my scientific research and he did not want her to see me. I said that I was sorry I had missed his show today, but I would put the radio on when I got home as usually his show comes on whenever I want to listen to it.

He grinned at me and winked, saying, "Oh, the prescient radio-on-demand loop works then? All these months I wasn't sure you were able to hear me and I was afraid to ask. Neat!"

I would ask him about that comment later. I went home and hid under the sheets. The day had been too much to bear.

I listened to the radio. I took my portable radio into bed with me and shut out the rest of the universe so that I could listen to Cecil. I had asked him not to talk about me and he had agreed that it would be best not to alert the new station management to what we had done in case they were involved, but that he would make up something impressive.

His show had an unusual format, with two presenters as if Cecil was talking and the other person was butting in at random points. It was Dana. At first I thought she was back and how pleased Cecil would be but he really didn't seem to know what was happening. Dana was talking, Cecil was ignoring her, unable to hear. I wondered what kind of signal Dana might be using that Cecil could not hear her in his studio but I could hear her in his transmission. I concluded that she must be using electromagnetic radiation of the same frequency as the amplitude modulated radio signal that carried Cecil's show through the air. Since Cecil's ears, as far as I know from a scientific examination of his hearing, are capable of converting only a range of longitudinal pressure waves in the frequency band from 70Hz to 15800Hz into electrical impulses that are relayed along sensory neurones to his brain's auditory processing centres, Dana could not be using sound waves. I wondered how she did it but left the thinking it out for another time. I was tired and considered that although no information is truly useless, I was unlikely ever to need to communicate from a parallel plane of existence. A scientist is always careful.

Cecil came home as soon as his show finished on _my_ radio. I was still in bed, in my running kit. He didn't comment but said I was welcome to join him in the shower, just for a shower. I emerged when I heard the water running and Cecil singing something like _yeah, uh, he is my scientist, not gonna live on science alone..._. That is another talent he hides. I dropped my stinking sports kit on the floor then picked it up and put it in the hamper to avoid another small source of irritation between us. I got in the shower as he was rinsing his hair. He took the shampoo from me and washed my hair for me. I asked if the running water would drown out what we said and replied that it would as long as we spoke quietly.

I had found the silver lining in my current thundercloud. If I was not expected at the lab, if I was not expected to behave in an entirely rational manner, if I was expected to get fixated on unimportant details, that meant I had more time and opportunity to pursue my own research out at the abandoned silo. I could take supplies to Tamika more often and if I turned up at the lab to borrow equipment, nobody would mind. I could play the mad scientist and my team would believe it. Next time we went to the forest I would ask for my notebook to be returned. I hoped they had stored it somewhere clean and dry.

Cecil said that he had thought along similar lines, if I was up to it, but that I should not expect too much too quickly and I might still have to spend a lot of time doing nothing except recovering at whatever rate my brain needed. I put my arms around him and thanked him for being so understanding, so patient. He said that Ell had come to the station to talk more about how to deal with someone suffering from a degree of depression.

He kissed me and said, "We are stronger than this."

We stood naked in the shower, holding each other. I could feel the effect this was having on him, but not on me. I _wanted_ to, but there was no response. He stepped back a little, apologising. I said it was ok, I wanted to take care of that, but I was drained. I wanted to feel close to him, physical contact helped, but it might be a little one sided for a while. He said he would feel bad if he couldn't make me happy. I stroked his face and said perhaps he did make me happy and I wanted to be with him even if I couldn't... finish the sentence. I kissed him and ran my hand down to his half erection. I wondered, if I wasn't distracted by my own lust, could I concentrate on making my Cecil feel _very_ relaxed?

Yes I could.

Afterwards, we ordered our weekly Pizza and snuggled on the sofa watching _the Magnificent Seven_ and not drinking wine because Cecil said correctly that alcohol is a depressant and I was not in the mood to argue brain chemistry. I didn't even argue about taking a knife to a gun fight. I felt hopeful for the future. I would take things easy, concentrate on Cecil and my personal research project. I did not have to deal with the stress of subterfuge at the lab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My head is still full of ep49A/B so I couldn't help including a hint or two.
> 
> Cecil is singing his own modified version of http://youtu.be/R7hjm-ODUTU


	3. Organic memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The forest decides to help Cecil and Carlos out. For science...

This morning, after breakfast we went to the forest early. We had a lot to discuss. I packed the picnic blanket and some snacks, my laptop fully charged, Cecil's favourite writing pad and an illegal writing implement or two. We went to our usual spot with me, as usual, listening to Cecil's half of his conversation with the Forest.

We devised a new set of codes for covert communication based on putting the alphabet into a three dimensional matrix and encoding each letter with a three digit number, moving the indices along one space every word, and a simple letter replacement code with a suitable key word, again with each letter replaced by its corresponding number position, reversed to make it a little less obvious. All crackable but we hoped that the combination of the code plus the station management not knowing exactly how Cecil would transmit his message might be enough to keep them in the dark. He told me that sometimes the code was in a news item, sometimes hidden as what might look like a random noise signal in the weather, sometimes (as I had suspected according to my diary) in lists or random sounding pronouncements from the Mayor's office since the Mayor no longer paid any attention to what Cecil reported about her. Lauren's close supervision recently made it harder to slip messages into the show.

We agreed that this afternoon I would go out to the abandoned silo and begin building. It would be primarily physical work to create the rig that would bolt to the concrete floor and cradle my improved temporal loop manipulator. I needed my notebook for the basic design. Cecil told me to ask for it myself. He said the Forest was not hostile towards me exactly but was a little disturbed that I had asked it to take care of an object made from dead tree. I held Cecil's hand and concentrated on what I wanted to say, which was difficult as thoughts about Cecil kept popping into my mind. I fell over, clutching at my head as my notebook bounced off and landed, pages riffling in the breeze a few feet away.

We finished working earlier than expected and started to pack up. I leaned against a the tree that had dropped my notebook on my head, allowed my mind to wander, observing Cecil's movements from a couple of steps away as he packed everything back into the cool-box and folded the blanket neatly on top. He saw me watching him, closed his eyes for a moment and smiled.

"See something you like?"

"Mmmm." I nodded. "Scientifically speaking, you have an exemplary range of movement for someone who sits all day. And, also scientifically speaking, although not overly prominent the development of your deltoids, biceps, triceps and brachioradialis is aesthetically pleasing and you have a particular curve on your gluteals that elicits a physical response in my brain and endocrine system."

The Forest went still, as if it held its breath. Even I felt it.

"If my favourite scientist is trying to tell me I have a nice ass, he can just say so."

"My favourite radio journalist has a nice ass."

Cecil had his back to me. I saw his neck flush under his plait.

"Sorry, I did not mean to embarrass you. I forget that this is a sentient forest because it does not speak to me. What did it say?"

"Umm, that it was okay. Whatever we do here, it won't interfere. That when we made out a bit here last time, it made the Forest remember, feel... things. About having been human once." Cecil thought for a moment, "Mostly human."

"Oh?"

He turned to face me, standing close and leaning closer. "I think perhaps it is reading your mind, or maybe mine and sharing my thoughts, or maybe just giving us a little... encouragement."

"Oh. Ooohh!" as an image popped into my head, an image of Cecil kissing me and pressing me tight against the tree at my back. It was my turn to feel heat in my neck and face. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my face. "I'm sorry. I can't unthink it now."

Cecil held my wrists to pull my hands away from my face and kissed me. I put my hands around his head and kissed back softly.

He stepped in to close the remaining gap between us and leaned against me, pinning me to the tree. I leaned my head back until it hit the bark behind me, Cecil following me without breaking the kiss. His hands were either side of my head, anchoring us to the tree that held us up. More images filled my consciousness. I did not know whether they belonged to me, to Cecil or to the Forest and I did not care. I felt a sensation that had been missing for a while. I slid my hands down his back to his hips and pulled him close, feeling his growing interest in our outdoor activity against the bulge in my own clothing. I pushed my hips forwards into his as I pulled him onto me and he pushed back hard, grinding me back onto the rough bark.

Cecil broke contact and started to unbutton my shirt. I pulled his tee over his head and tossed it aside. I stroked the skin over his shoulders and arms. "See? Scientifically speaking, your muscles are well proportioned. I would call you beautiful."

He pushed me back against the tree again, hands inside my open shirt, hips rolling and crashing into mine.

"Uncomfortable, I need to..." I began, putting a hand on his belt buckle to unfasten it. He stopped me from unfastening the buttons but let me open the zipper. I slid my hand inside his trousers.

"I want to..."

"I know."

He loosened the fastenings of my jeans and snaked a hand down over the bulge in my shorts. We leaned against the tree and against each other, rubbing and stroking and kissing and thrusting. I was first, coming with a moan stifled by Cecil's hot, deep kiss, knees locked out and legs straight to push me harder into the support of the tree. I held Cecil tightly around the waist with my free arm and he wrapped his around my neck and clung on, head buried in the curve of my shoulder, as I brought him to his shuddering orgasm.

We stayed there, clinging to each other, for several minutes.

"That was unexpected," I said, "I would have thought the probability of engaging in and sustaining such a stimulating activity to its conclusion would diminish to a vanishingly small limit with the presence of even such an encouraging audience. Especially given my depleted neurotransmitter levels."

I felt his face muscles rearrange into a smile against my neck. "You noticed then."

"Yes. I found it to be quite inhibiting at first but the particular sequence of images presented was well tuned to my psychological state. I would like to compare notes on this experience, scientifically of course, to find out if you experienced the same particular set of imagined sensory input, perhaps from a different point of view, or if your experience was different from mine. And a scientist never relies only on a single dataset."

Cecil thought for a moment. "I think that would be neat, as long as it was for, you know, science."


End file.
